Wednesday, April 10, 2013

Sharing my Story

I was a newlywed. Married only 3 months. The test said I was pregnant. I couldn't believe it! Excitement and a sense of nervousness came over me. We were going to be parents.

I showed my husband when he came home. He was happy but also nervous. I began to plan out the nursery, which hospital I would give birth at, and more. Dreaming and wondering if it was a boy or girl, writing down names I had picked out since I was young.

A few weeks later we went to our first doctor appointment. I saw women in the waiting room with their little bumps and it made me touch my stomach and think that would be me soon.

Finally we were called back for our ultrasound. The lady began to move the stick around my stomach. After a few quiet minutes she said she would be right back with the doctor. I began to feel tears in my eyes. Josh stood quietly and firm.

Our doctor came in after an agonizing five minutes. She looked at us and began to tell us the baby is gone and had no heartbeat. Except in her mind it was a fetus, not a baby. To me? It was supposed to be my first baby.

She wanted to schedule a D&C because I had not officially miscarried yet. I refused and my husband was my support. Once I was in the car I cried and sobbed. Thinking it was my fault, wondering what happened and hoping the doctor was wrong.

After almost two weeks I woke up in the middle of the night with horrible cramping, nausea and went to the bathroom. I never knew a miscarriage could hurt so much. 

I start crying and called my husband in to the bathroom. He realized through the tears and crazy talk what I was saying. When I left the bathroom I felt lightheaded and began to tell my husband and then I fainted.
He said he carried me to the couch and then prayed.

Laying on the couch I kept touching my stomach and crying and the name that came to me was - Benjamin. (My biological brother's name, the one I did not grow up with).

I had never thought of a boy name yet. I was surprised.

Miscarriages are tough. Hard. Exhausting. 

I wanted to share my story because you shouldn't be silent. Miscarriages are never talked about, but they should be! You are losing a baby, you are losing a life. You did not do it on purpose, you chose to keep this baby but it did not stay.

Please don't be silent about it! I am hear to encourage you to share your story and not suffer it silently.

Share your story below


I was pregnant 4 months later with A healthy baby boy named Benjamin Conner. 

22 comments:

  1. I haven't had a miscarriage, but I know they are not as simple as the name implies. It's good to realize the grief and the fact that it was a child. I think you sharing this will help other women. Bless you,
    Gail

    ReplyDelete
  2. I know so many women who have miscarried, and I can't imagine the pain of that kind of loss. I am so sorry you had to go through such a tragic time. May your story open up and encourage other moms who have been through the same journey. (Visiting from PYHO)

    ReplyDelete
  3. Bless you for sharing this difficult part of your story. I pray your words will bless others as well. Love to you, my friend.

    ReplyDelete
  4. You are so right. Miscarriages hold be talked about. It's the loss of a child even if it is still within the womb and losing a child hurts deeply. Thank you for sharing, so brave of you. (Visiting from PYHO)

    ReplyDelete
  5. Thank you for sharing this. Several dear friends have suffered miscarriages, and I feel I understand them better for having read this. May your words bless others in knowing they are not alone. I stopped over from Playdates today. May the Lord bless your home with joy and laughter overflowing from His love.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you and I'm so glad it has been a blessing to so many.

      Delete
  6. I get this friend...all too well. I have lost 4 (2 of which were in the second trimester.) It's brave to share and it helps others learn to walk through it, to hold the hands of those experiencing it, and to understand in some way how to love better. Proud of you for writing it. I have too...and it's hard! :-)

    ReplyDelete
  7. I have had 3 miscarriages and 4 babies born prematurely. My first miscarriage was at 8 weeks and happened at home. I cramped and bled a lot like a heavy period, but otherwise everything passed naturally. I remember laying in bed, crying and my husband bringing our 6 month old son in for me to hold. I remember him telling me how proud he was of me being so calm and controlled on the phone with the doctor who told me I could miscarry at home, but to come in if the bleeding became very heavy.

    The second time, I was 11 weeks pregnant when the bleeding started. I called the doctor and got the same answer. I can miscarry at home unless it becomes very heavy. I made dinner for my family, told hubby what was going on, and calmly ate dinner. As soon as I ate the last bite, woosh! HEAVY! Hubby brought me to the hospital where I was put up in a small, windowless room and a nurse would check on me now and again as they waited for the on staff OB to finish delivering babies. It was hours of waiting and during that time, I labored alone and passed a HUGE clot, the placenta, and my precious baby. I called a nurse and got a candy striper, instead. I showed her what I passed and she ran and got a nurse who came in, wadded up my clot, placenta and baby and threw it all into a corner of the room. I remember sitting alone, staring at that wad and wishing I could get up and see my baby again. Hubby was out in a waiting room, not able to be with me. I was sent to an ultrasound and waiting more. Finally, the doctor came in, took a look at the ultrasound pics, examined me, and before I knew it, I was prepped for an emergency D&C. I was bleeding to death. I had to have a spinal because I had eaten a large dinner. I remember the D&C, even though I was doped up. I was freezing cold and shivering. I felt like I was tipped upside down and felt like crying in shame as my damaged, hurting, infertile nether regions were forced open, left for the room to see and vacuumed out. A nurse's gentle touch and words soothed me. I was then taken to a room to recover and reunited with hubby. I just wanted to go home, but I couldn't walk. I asked to be discharged and the nurse complained, but I insisted. I could go home once I could walk, eat and urinate. I finally managed all three and promptly passed out cold. I had to stay overnight.

    The third time, I started bleeding heavily again and went to my OB's office. We were both afraid of my bleeding to death again, so we agreed on another D&C and he sent me to the hospital. While there, the receptionist was horrid and made me stand for 20 minutes with blood soaking my jeans from waist to ankles while she complained about the heat. I was in labor pains and agony and a dear, elderly woman kept looking at me and begging the receptionist to do something. Finally, I went to ambulatory and got prepped again. Come to find out, the D&C was unnecessary as I had pretty much passed everything by the time I got there. I was also ashamed that I cried more over the fact that I endured another miscarriage and D&C than over the fact that I lost another baby!

    Now that I am done having children, I often think of my miscarried babies and the miscarriages themselves. The pain of loss hurts more, especially since I only recently learned how to retrieve the tiny bodies and how to petition the hospital for the body. But I know they're not their bodies, but they are in Heaven with Jesus and I will see them again. It helps to know that God used my body to usher a new spirit/soul into existence and we will be together. I look forward to finding out who they are and what their names are.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm so sorry you had to go through that. I am so happy though you see a positive that one day you will see them!

      Delete
  8. I have been pregnant 5 times and have miscarried 2 of those times. And I struggled with infertility after my first born. So every time after that was a miracle I got pregnant. The last baby I lost was just this past December. Here is what I wrote about it...
    http://infront-of-myeyes.blogspot.com/2012/12/tis-season-of-hope.html

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you Kelly! I will go read your post now:)

      Delete
  9. Thank you so much for being brave enough to share this.
    Miscarriage is such a horrible road to walk.
    hugs,
    Natasha

    ReplyDelete
  10. I'm so sorry you had to go through this. xo

    ReplyDelete
  11. Thank you for sharing this story, I featured you today at the link up.
    God Bless you!

    ReplyDelete
  12. Elisha thank you so much for sharing your story. I know it was, and probably still is painful, but I also know that so many people will be encouraged by your story. Knowing they are not walking alone, knowing there is a community of women who have been down that same dark path. God bless you for sharing your story!

    ReplyDelete
  13. I do not know how many miscarriages I have had. I have antiphospholipid syndrome and hypothyroidism. Both cause miscarriages. I know that I have had at least 5, but one really shook my world. I had a 4 month old. I don't remember going from the bed to the sofa, but somehow I did. There was blood covering the sofa and bed, when my 5 year old finally woke me. I called my fiancée, and he refused to come home. He told me to stop whining. He was very abusive. A friend just happened to stop by, scooped me up herself, and drove me to my Ob-gyn. I was hemorrhaging, and I was give a D&C with no anesthesia or time for an explanation right there. I could hear them talking about dilation and she barely made it here. At the next appointment, a hysterectomy was recommended. I refused. I wasn't sure that I was ready to give up the dream of another child. Years later, I met the man I am married to now. We began trying to get pregnant and had a few more miscarriages. I prayed and asked for another baby. God heard my cries, and He blessed us with a beautiful son. I have had 4 successful deliveries. My children are now 21,17,16,13,12, and 5. I realize there are two extra listed, but when I married my husband, I was also blessed with 2 daughters. I hold on to believing that when I go to Heaven, I will see and know all of my babies. I also know that you can be told by doctors that you need a hysterectomy and still have children, because God says different.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you for opening up and sharing your story! I am so sorry you had to go through that painful experience. I am so happy to hear God answered your prayers afterwards.

      Delete

Leave a comment. I love to hear from my readers it is like getting a letter in the mail.